Hmmm... One milestone had been reached. Rather, breached. I didn't find my name in the top 200. Ok. Now what? I didn't have much time to think. I could sense the dum aloo debate ending. The momentous discussion of Socratic proportions was drawing to a close. So, there was a distinct chance of the women shifting course to another awe inspiring discussion and it being more than a month that my interview was done, there was an even more distinct chance of the discussion veering towards my result and its aftermath. It was another matter, that the female members, at that moment, as ignorant as bull ants looking amorously at a pitcher plant, did not know that their fellow comrade did not end up in the top 200.
After going through the top 200, I came back to ground zero. Most of my rosy expectations landed safely and got docked happily in the warehouse to be dismantled and sold at scrap rates. I now, quite shamefully and earnestly had only simple expectations, those that reminded me of my middle class roots. To land safely in the list. No matter where. I wanted to be an employed youth. I needed nothing more.
So, this time around, the better of my reflexes worked and I decided to enter from the other end. I scrolled down to the end of the list and started searching my name upwards. So that this time, the sense of rapidly falling off from a cliff wasn't there. The execution would be less painful this way. I desperately wanted to pat my back and jump in eternal bliss to have produced such a mind boggling idea. But the female folk would know. So, I stay put. Infact I had a feeling of confidence as soon I read through 10 names. I wasn't in the bottom 10. What ignominy, what shame? Though the chances of me not being in the list were perpetually increasing, I also had hope flickering at some corner of my heart. Peace! Tension! What the!
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